Sometimes I don’t know….

23 Aug

Today is one of those days when I just don’t know! I feel like I lost my compass somewhere along the way and don’t know where to find it. I don’t know if I’m going to pass all my exams at the end of the year. I don’t know what I’m going to do while on holiday for 3 months without any work or form of pay. I don’t know how long I’m going last being a full-time student, a wife and mother for the next three years. I don’t know that I’m coping.

While I sit and type, tears are running down my face because I feel so overwhelmed. People who don’t have degrees have a job that I couldn’t get and now I’m  doing a second one with really no guarantee that I’ll get one after all this.

I miss coming home and not having work to do at all, now I’m so busy during the week and on weekends, minus the extra lessons I attend on weekends. I miss the luxury of watching a movie without the guilt of not working. I miss getting my hair and nails (more so my feet) done like I used to when I could afford it. I miss walking into the shops to pay my account and walking out with something special for me because I could afford it. I hate that I have had to endure more than a week of such excruciating neck pain, the kind that would wake me from my sleep and all I could do was pop pills when all I wanted to do was see a chiropractor but didn’t have enough money.

I’m so tired of trying to think positive thoughts. I’m tired of trying to put one foot in front of the other not knowing where I’m going. I’m tired of being tired about the state of my life and yet some part of  me remains grateful for the opportunity I have to study full-time to try improve my life. I’m grateful that I have a roof over my head that’s not falling apart, a warm bed to sleep in and food to eat. I’m grateful for friends in the same boat (Maree and Sifiso) at varsity who share in the pain and despair that life has inflicted upon us. I’m grateful for my little family and that my child is mine.

While I am having a really, really, really off day and I suspect that there will be plenty more of these to come, I would love the reassurance that it will all work out and be okay in the end. While we are not guaranteed it,the thought that I’m left with is this:  “Many things about tomorrow I don’t seem to understand; but I know who holds tomorrow and I know who holds my hand” ~ Alison Krauss

 

 

 

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14 Responses to “Sometimes I don’t know….”

  1. charmaine August 23, 2012 at 11:38 am #

    You know Corrine,how you are feeling is completely natural.Infact,I believe if you did not go through these emotions,you are not a normal functioning mother,wife,daughter.And I understand.What you have embarked on,is an enormous challenge that you are very capable of doing,I mean,you are doing your second degree!By George,not many people can say that.

    I’m still trying to complete my first degree after I cocked my life up since 2000.I’m currently doing one more subject at Unisa.A first year subject about business english.How to construct an email,a business plan etc.I have failed this subject before!imagine.Me with all my intellect and business savyiness.

    I have struggled for years,trying to get my life back in order.I’ve worked for years in call centres.Iv worked for peanuts and iv been patient,because I know that I’m made of something stronger than this and designed for a life that is more than this.So all I was in my life ,was in between.In between where I’m and where I want to be.And everyday,I was getting closer to my goal.

    No one says its going to be easy.Its going to be hard.You are going to cry,you will feel depressed..bt in all that,know that.its all temporary.Once you have reached the end and have gone past this heavy period.It will feel like,you have never struggled because all is so easy,free and flowing.

    What you are going through is temporary.Iv lost my job twice as well,bt I never gave up.Thank God my husband was supportive.It wasn’t easy for him either.At one point,it was touch and go for a while.And we had to make some tough decisions.But we made it through.

    So,to keep busy,don’t be too proud to do something for the extra cash.Use your previous worklife experience to generate some income.
    Sell something,bake something.The time is now to think creatively and I know you are very talented.

    So,don’t be in despair.Pick yourself up and just do.You are Woman,Amazon,amazing,strong,you can do all things woman.Cheer up.We are all in the same boat.One wasy or the other.

    Like

    • Corinne August 25, 2012 at 1:15 pm #

      WOW! You’re definitely a strong woman. Tanks for the kind & encouraging words – means a lot

      Like

  2. rdkomlosy@gmail.com August 23, 2012 at 7:18 pm #

    I love you,hear you and feel you!YOU can do it!You are having a moment-I have many of those,they truly help…Your honesty and candour is so refreshing and it is what I miss the most,You are a ‘real’ person and I call myself blessed to be able to say that I have you as a friend!(I am just saying!)
    Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

    Like

    • Corinne August 25, 2012 at 1:01 pm #

      Thanks my friend. At some point, you just have to be real!!!

      Like

  3. Melany August 25, 2012 at 12:24 pm #

    I am so sorry. It is not easy. I didn’t have kids, but I had a fulltime job as Accountant while I studied. Young married woman. It must be so much harder for you though. (((hugs)))

    Like

  4. Michelle August 27, 2012 at 1:54 pm #

    I love Alison krauss quote. It is just what I would have said to you. More than that – this too shall pass We love you and are proud of all your achievements. We know of your sacrifices and wait and watch to see you flourish- for you sure will xxxx

    Sent from my iPhone

    Like

    • Corinne August 28, 2012 at 7:31 am #

      Thanks Mish, its a great comfort knowing you all are in my corner, cheering me on.

      Like

  5. Laura-kim Allmayer August 27, 2012 at 4:19 pm #

    Days like this suck 😦 I think we all feel them at different times in our lives – even when things are going well!! ((hugs)) and strength – the sun always comes out

    Like

  6. Chantelle Young August 29, 2012 at 1:07 am #

    Hi Corrine,
    I’ve just read ur blog after seeing ur FB posts!
    Girl, u R A Prov 31 woman!!! Strong, String, Strong!!
    Here’s a little encouragement:
    I feel ur pain… I too got married whilst studying medicine … That was 4th year… Got pregnant in my 5th year … Cried and said I’m not dropping this year and would continue full time despite a baby…
    Great thoughts…. LOTS of tears!!!!
    Marselle and his mum were wonderful with taking care of Isaiah for me and I cried my way through … 7 days after having a c/ section, I got off da bed and did my final surgical exam… Needless to say my final year at medical school was a blur… But I passed my final year with NO supps!!
    Def Gods favour!!!… NEVER in my own strength!!
    As I was a sucker for punishment, got pregnant during my internship year whilst doing 36 hr shifts… Yeah I know… Crazy!!!
    Cried through again and felt exactly like you… I’m tired … Tired… Tired of thinking positive, considering if it was all worth it???
    Then Josh (baby no.2) is prem at 32 weeks… Praise God no complications but still completed my internship on time.
    ALL this time, I’ve worked FULL time with a husband also full time.
    Many a day and night I’ve cried and said I cannot do this, it’s not easy, I just want to be NORMAL but still enjoy the financial benefits :-))
    I just wanted to spend more time with my boys and NOT feel this DAILY feeling of being overwhelmed!!!!!
    We decided to come to Australia and God blesses me with another pregnancy… 2 weeks after landing in Australia I fall pregnant… Well u can guess what I did… Yes, I CRIED!!. Foreign country, no family support, no maids, 2 kids, husband working full time as am I as I am the main applicant on the visa, so cannot NOT work!!!
    Did night shifts for 9 months whilst juggling da 2 boys and survived with 3-4 hrs sleep a day!!
    2 weeks after my 3rd son was born, I was back at work full time!
    And lastly, when I finally decide to specialize , 11 yrs after completing my degree and needing to do full time work and study.. This includes shift work, still “bounce da pots” as u say, do my own laundry and cleaning a there r no maids here, boys r now into sports and yes I have my primary exams soon!!!… Yes u guessed it, I’m pregnant with baby no.4… We have been blessed with a gorgeous baby girl after 3 boys but I KNOW EXACTLY HOW U FEEL ABOUT BEING OVERWHELMED!!!
    So, why am I sharing all this personal stuff??
    To let u know that NOWHERE in my crazy life could I have done it without God… Just quoting scripture during my most lowest days,… Through friends in Christ who would encourage me…. Just know that God will NEVER give u anything above that which u cannot handle… He is ur strength in times of feeling like u want to give up and He is ur encouragement when feeling oberwhelmed!!
    Thanks for being real Corrine, cos when I use to say how overwhelmed I was feeling I was told that I should suck it up cos thats da life I chose!..:-((
    But I’ve got ur back sister and will lift u up in prayer cos I do honestly feel ur pain!!
    Stay strong and keep looking up… When it’s hard to lift that foot in front of the other… Just “shuffle ” my love :-)) ( everyday im shuffling)… Hehehe .,,.. BIG love ur way!!

    Like

    • Corinne August 29, 2012 at 11:29 am #

      Congrats again on your baby girl and thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I’m not sure how you didn’t lose your mind in the midst all that you had to deal with – YOU my friend are a superwoman and an inspiration!!!! Thanks for such lovely words of encouragement, I’ll carry them with me. BIG love right back at you

      Like

  7. Michal Stalls September 3, 2012 at 11:46 am #

    I love it when individuals come together and share opinions. Great blog, keep it up!

    Like

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. I’m followed by Angels « maidentomotherhood - August 29, 2012

    […] honestly have no choice but to write a response to “Sometimes I don’t know…” because the support has been so incredible but more than the “Angels that follow me” […]

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