It WAS an anti-climax

23 Jan

2011 and 2012 have been the most trying times of my short-lived life!

 In January 2011, I had to leave my barely two month old baby boy at home with my helper and return to my failing practice. That wasn’t really too bad because I lived so close to my practice and I didn’t have to spend the entire day “at work”. Little did I know that two months later, in March of the same year, I would close the doors on my four-year old practice for good. It was doing so bad that I couldn’t even sell it for a copper coin. I spent the rest of that year at home with my son and on a job-hunt that proved futile. Finally towards the end of the year, I decided to pursue full-time studies by doing a B.Comm through Wits, yes I am crazy!

 2012 brought with it plenty, and I mean PLENTY of challenges. Very few people will understand how extremely challenging it has been to be a full-time student, wife and mother all rolled into one. Maybe I’m just having a lame pity-party for one but sheesh it’s been ridiculously insane. No one knows!

 On the  4th of December 2012 the final exam results were released. My heart just sank when I saw my marks. All the hard work, late nights, extra lessons on weekends that robbed me of spending time with my family all seemed like it was in vain. The year marks were fantastic (except for Economics) but I obviously fell short in the end. I would check and re-check my marks against my student number just to make sure that my eyes weren’t playing tricks on me. My heart was so heavy because I felt that the only representation of how clever I am or how much I know or how hard I can work or how much I can achieve will be seen on paper and I just wasn’t measuring up.

 While a pass is still a pass, I don’t know that in my position I can afford to just pass!!! Believe me when I say that I’m grateful to start second year without carrying any subjects from first year. What I do mean is that I’m a “mature student” and I worry that potential employers may look at my age and see mediocre marks and overlook me. There are so many other “kids” of color that are majoring in Economics and Finance, why would I be any different. I want the kind of marks that shout “stop what you’re doing and notice me” and maybe I’m over-reacting because these are only first year marks. Lester reassured me that nothing but nothing can replace a good work ethic regardless of marks and then he proceeded to remind me of my workaholic and “over-achiever” tendencies. That definitely eased my mood. My dad (as an employer) encouraged me by saying that employers understand that “mature students” work harder because they know that the stakes are raised and that they are better workers because they know what they want in life and have (supposedly) found themselves. He said that there would only be an obstacle if I let there be one!

 The big subject that I was truly and unnecessarily fretting about was Economics, as was all of my fellow students! Its one of those that can hold you back and while I love the subject because it’s such an eye-opener in terms of how it explains how the economies of the world interact, it is one hell of a tough nut to crack in terms of getting really good marks.  In my post “I’m followed by Angels” I speak about how much I want to become the next top black female South African Economist. Reflecting on my marks, I hear myself chuckle and wonder if I’m not fooling myself. It’s in this moment that I remind myself that I would rather have a dream that seemed far-fetched than not to dream at all!

 So whatever 2013 brings academically, I’m going to give it my all AGAIN and trust that the good Lord directs my path and brings to me all that I need. And in life, it’s another lesson learned, you dust yourself off, pick yourself up and keep moving along because one day, it will all work together for my good.

 This will be my constant reminder, Romans 8:28 – “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose”


2 Responses to “It WAS an anti-climax”

  1. Cat@jugglingactoflife January 25, 2013 at 2:42 pm #

    Just found your blog by chance and great to “meet” you. I am sure you will do just fine- I have huge respect for what you are doing. Lots of luck


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