It’s not him it’s me!!!

8 Feb

I’ve spoken extensively about the issues I’ve had with Samuel’s sleep patterns and how erratic they were. Sunny Bunny has his own bed but it used to be in our room, exactly where his cot was – right next to mamma! And that’s just the way I secretly liked it. There I said it! I liked having my son right next to me. In fact, a few nights prior to the “big” move I was sandwiched between my husband and my son and all I could think of was how much I loved it. I got that warm (not because it was a summer night) fuzzy, lovey-dovey feeling that made me feel all mushy and gooey inside. To be honest, I’m not that disturbed (yes, some people think I’m crazy) but I kind of liked the way things were. I used to be a breath away when he was sick. I could easily reach over and feel his body to tell if he’s had a temperature. I was there when he’s kicked the blanket off and I can cover him again (because I like to be covered).

The truth is that I don’t like sleeping alone! There I said that too!!! I hate sleeping alone!!! I’m so useless, I have the worst sleep when I sleep at my parents place because Sam sleeps with  my parents so I spend a good night tossing and turning. My parents had me in their room until I was three, that doesn’t sound long right?! Then they kicked me out to share a room with my baby brother. We shared a room until I was about ten or so (can’t really remember) but I do remember not liking being alone. Our little family moved to Durban when I started standard nine and my brother and I had to share a room again for a bit which was fine by me. The paranoid part of me even led me to sleep with a knife or scissors under my pillow until my parents got back from their night out. And this is while we stayed in Fort Knox!!!

There are so many articles out there saying that “allowing” our kids to share a bed with us leads to the kinds of problems I have. Sounds like separation anxiety that just never left. Then it got me thinking: what it was about the dark/night-time that made me anxious about sleeping alone. I did have a moderately active imagination and sometimes couldn’t tell between my dreams and reality, especially the scary ones. Point in case, at about eight or so, alone in my room, I clearly remember the light fitting being on fire and screaming for my dad. He comes storming in to see the commotion and the light fitting WAS NOT ON FIRE AT ALL!!! Even when I was older, I used to see figures in my room. Horror movies and the like were off-limits from when the movies “It” and “The Gremlins” were released, no lie! So if I stayed away from all that scary stuff, how was it that I still “saw” stuff??? What I found so comforting was that my parents never turned me away from getting into their bed when I had a bad dream. I doubt I stayed there for the night and I’m certain that my dad took me back to my bed as soon as I fell asleep again.

Do I feel safety in numbers by having my boys surround me? Or have I lost my marbles? Am I suffering from the after-effects of co-sleeping? I have no idea. What I do know is that some people prefer sleeping alone and some like being with someone….. (Another) truth be told is that I may not take Sam back to his bed if he comes to mine and I’m not really concerned that I might be subjecting him to the same drama I’m currently facing…

Sam is now finally in his own room (and I’ve had the crappiest sleep ever) but I know the problem is me… It’s definitely not with him…. so you think they offer sleep training for adults at all???!!! Maybe I should sign up.

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One Response to “It’s not him it’s me!!!”

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  1. Finding our way | maiden to motherhood - May 3, 2013

    […] lots of them when it comes to motherhood but with the whole sleeping issue, you’ll see from this post that I battle to sleep alone, I love snuggling up to another body. During the course of the […]

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