More Guilt

22 Feb

So I’m up for yet another award – “Worst Mother of the Year”, February isn’t even up yet and the year has just begun!!!

This is all happening in my little mind and in my little world!

Two weeks ago, I spent the weekend at my parents’ place because my hubby was away for the weekend. On the Saturday morning, Sunny Bunny had made his way to the pool (as usual) and we were all out on the patio with him. We were enjoying our breakfast outside for a change. I sat with my back to the pool and my parents sat facing the pool. Sunny bunny was not wearing his swimming gear but was happily playing on the first  step under the watchful eye of his grandfather. It was only after I had heard the sound of splashing that I turned around and we saw that Sam had slipped off the first step and was floundering in the deeper water. All I could do was stand there and watch in utter shock! My dad bolted off to grab him out of the water, bedroom slippers and all – thank God he did because I was numb. I remember shouting for my dad to get him but couldn’t understand why I had frozen. I ran inside to fetch them towels but also to hide the tears streaming down my face – I could have lost my only dear, dear son. I came back out with the towels and his swimming gear and my dad put him back into the water to get a healthy sense of respect for the water and partly to teach him to try swim to the steps. Even Stevie Wonder could tell that Sam was shaken up as well.

Fast forward to this weekend gone and we were at a friend’s son’s birthday party. The adults and kids were all seated outside, around the pool. I was going to make sure that my child was the most over-dressed-for-the-pool and I didn’t care! All the other kids had floaters on at the most and some (who could swim) not even. At first I felt sorry for him for being so over-protective but I quickly recalled how things went the last time he was in the water. This time I made sure that on top of his little life jacket, Sam wore floaters but believe it or not, he point blankly refused to even stand on the first step. When Lester tried (from outside the pool) to put him even on the second step, he started to lose it so we left him to wade quietly on the pool ledge. Once all the kids were out of the water and dressed again, no sooner were they on their little bikes and racing around the pool again when Sam fell in, full kit!!!

I’ve stopped typing for a moment to reflect on that horrible moment again. I did not see him fall in but Lester did (thank God he was sitting closest to where Sam fell in) and he got up to fish him out. I only got up because I heard all the commotion and AGAIN, all I could do was stand there and scream for Lester to get him out. As soon as he was out, he literally clung to his father for dear life, I’ve never seen my child like that ever, it just broke my heart.

I’m so angry at myself! I haven’t sent him for lessons! I haven’t warned him of the dangers of playing around the pool! For not being vigilant enough! But more than anything, for being gripped so tightly (but I don’t know what yet) that the sight of watching my child go under was not  enough to make me move to save him. How dare I just stand there? The one person whose life depends on me hung in the balance and all I could do was just stand and watch him! I’m so upset with myself because this is the one person that ALL my life’s efforts are directed towards and someone else hauled him out of what could have been a really been a bad situation!

On Saturday and Sunday night Sam refused to sleep alone and that was really okay with me. As I lay next to him, all I could do was thank God that things turned out well and that I wasn’t still at a morgue aching for my child to be alive. Just the thought of his room being bare because he wasn’t around would have sent me to a deep dark place I would not know how to navigate. How on earth do you deal with the loss of a little life? How on earth do you ever come to terms with it? How do you ever get closure when so much potential is snuffed out?  How do you ever recover from burying your own child????

I know I’m not a bad mother. In fact I was reminded of how over-protective I am and what good care I do take of my child and despite such a wonderful compliment, I can’t get past myself. It will take me a while to get over this but I am Googling swimming lessons for my precious Sunny Bunny in the mean time.

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One Response to “More Guilt”

  1. Laura-kim Allmayer February 24, 2013 at 6:37 am #

    Shame man – it is scary when they fall in!!

    Jack also fell into our pool – with his bike – last weekend. I was moaning at him to NOT ride there and he ignored me and splash into the pool. Biggest issue with him is that he doesn’t actually get scared. Has a cry for a second and then wants to carry on :-/

    But these things happen in an instant!!!

    Like

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