At the end of the Process, is a Promise FULFILLED

1 Apr

There’s nothing that can relieve some pent-up frustration like a good cry, in the shower of course. You know the one’s where your face hurts so much from the contortion that your angst has caused.

I’ve felt anxious lately about this year at varsity, its my second year and by the grace of God, I passed all my first year subjects. My anxiety is about passing the two subjects I want to major in – finance and economics. These two subjects strike fear in the hearts of many, no lie. Those who will not even attempt that combination (who look at me like I’m crazy), those who are in my class and have been told the ghastly appalling pass rate and then there are those who have passed those subjects by the skin of their teeth & they say KNOW your work like the back of your hand and pray like your LIFE depends on it, honest to God. Now obviously I want to pass ALL four of my subjects and do the second semester and then go onto 3rd year next year, I have hopes and dreams that are waiting to find their way into my reality and I feel like I don’t have time to fail. But please don’t think that I’m being petty when I say that those two subjects are VERY hard because on top of that I have a third subject that I attend day classes for and a fourth subject that I have to attend an evening class for. I feel like I’m constantly trying to catch up… Listen, I work my behind off and I’m not afraid of hard work but there’s a part of me that knows that at the end of the day, apart from my human strength, I can only then rely on the grace of God to pull me through.

The niggle that gnaws at the back of my mind questions whether it’s in the will of God for me to pass 2nd year THIS year… Whether or not we’ll find a place to call home… Whether or not living on one salary is going to open up the “cracks on the surface” that is our lives…. and the hot tears stream down my face because these issues are my life!!!! If I could find work, two salaries would be better than one! If I could work, then we could look for a better place to stay! If I could find work, then the never-ending toil of varsity would end and I could spend a guilt-free evening with my family! But I CAN’T FIND WORK NOW! I CAN’T STOP THE PROCESS OR GET OFF THIS BANDWAGON BECAUSE I’VE TRIED THAT AND I FAILED – and I don’t want to have to deal with failing again because the heartache is too much.

Sometimes I feel like I’m standing on the precipice, not sure if I want to look over the edge because I’m so afraid. Then I feel like I should just open my arms, close my eyes and fall…. fall straight into the loving arms of my Heavenly Father, who is nothing but good, all the time. While the hot water ran over me, my body was wracked with silent sobs. This is hard. My life is hard, right now. I do not in any way expect sympathy because I chose to study again and I don’t regret that for a minute. All I want is the guarantee that I WILL pass… and yet I know that that guarantee is not mine, but the thoughts that run through my mind are: “many things about tomorrow, I don’t seem to understand, but I know who holds tomorrow and I know who holds my hand”; “I will never leave you, nor will I forsake you (Deut 31:8);  and His plans for me have an intended end that is good (Jer 29:11).

All I could do in that moment was surrender and say through my sobs: “Lord you are good!” My mind would flash all the things that are not accomplished and each time I’d say: “Lord you are good!” knowing full well that those things may never happen, things could turn out so differently but that different didn’t necessarily mean bad.

Two things have touched me today. One is a quote from Beth Moore, “At the end of the process is a promise fulfilled” and a verse from Psalms 27:13 “I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living”. I think that’s where the “peace that passes all understanding” comes from, that place of surrender, where the only constant is Christ Himself in us, “the hope of glory”.

My guarantee is not necessarily that I will pass but that in the end, God will make it okay so that I can say, it is well with my soul. Hold onto Him and the promises he’s specifically spoken to you.

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One Response to “At the end of the Process, is a Promise FULFILLED”

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  1. Hope still remains | maiden to motherhood - April 18, 2013

    […] from THIS post you could tell I was having an off day – hell, even Stevie Wonder could see what a sad […]

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