Tag Archives: depression

This week marks the first anniversary

27 Mar

It was only just yesterday that I realised that it will be the first anniversary of the closing of my chiropractic practice. As I type, I’m trying to figure out how I feel about the enormous change that has taken place in a year.  I’m still very sad about it. My practice represented the hard work and many years that went into attaining my first degree but also the kind of lifestyle that I wanted. Alas, it was not meant to be.

I loved the flexibility that came with being your own boss but definitely not the stress-induced ulcers from not having enough money for running a business. I really enjoyed building relationships with patients that spanned a few years; that was priceless. Having somewhere to be and something meaningful to do with my day and making a little difference in someone’s life definitely made me a better mother and wife.

That practice would not have been at all possible or feasible without the help of one of the most generous people I know ON THE PLANET, my dad!!! He has been so good to me, generous with his business advice and great as my “cheap” accountant. Words will never be enough to convey my gratitude to you and mum.

My husband was (and still is) a really wonderful pillar of support when days seemed dark and my biggest cheerleader when friends seemed few, thank you my love, you are a treasure.

The post-mortem is still stings. Could I have done things differently? Did I really do enough? Did I give it enough time to grow? Is it my entire fault? Am I cut out to be in business? And so many more questions arise about my capabilities as a person to the point where I was borderline depressed from constantly ruminating on the situation. And added to that was that I couldn’t find full-time employment for close to a year!

Is my life where I had hoped it would be? Certainly not! Do I have a hand in the way things have turned out? Definitely! This shouldn’t make me give up or throw in the proverbial towel. I have been so blessed to have made a friend on campus that is in the same place as me – married with kids and starting again at 30! She reminded me not to compare myself to anyone, ever! We are where we are and we are trying to do the best we can with the opportunities we’ve been given (which not many people have been afforded) so for that we must be grateful and plod on!!!

God IS good. Life is to be cherished. Children and family are meant to be enjoyed and as for the motto of my blog: remember, no matter where you find yourself, the journey is more important than the destination. Good luck on yours and may you find happiness where ever you go because life is what you make of it – regardless.


The Heavy Burden of a Mother’s Guilt

23 Jan

“Maybe there’s more we all could have done, but we just have to let the guilt remind us to do better next time.”  ― Veronica RothDivergent

Why is it that a mother feels so pressured, compelled, obligated and stressed to be everything to our kids, partners and bosses; lose our minds, hearts and sometimes for the most part we lose sight of who we are in the bigger scheme of things??? It’s not okay but neither is it easy.

I feel guilty when I wake up in the morning and my husband has left without me making his lunch (I used to when we were a childless married couple but can’t/don’t because I’m so tired)
I feel guilty when my son wakes up next to me and after a few cuddles I reach over to my phone and check out the range of social media networking (bbm’s, whatsapp, FB & tweets) I need to catch up on or reply.
I feel bad that when I go downstairs to greet my helper that she’s the one who feeds, cleans, dresses and entertains my son (most of the time).
I feel guilty that I don’t stay at home with my son because I’m selfish, suffer from cabin-fever and need a break from the hum-drum of where my life is at right now.
I feel guilty because I’ve spent the first year of Sam’s life with him everyday and yet I don’t want to be a stay-at-home mom.
I feel guilty because I’m typing this from M&B when I should be home with my baby boy.
I feel guilty that I don’t physically discipline him when I should because I’ve said no for the 20th time in 2 hours.
I feel guilty that I’ve given him medication to make him drowsy just so that I could sleep for more than a 4 hour stretch.
I feel guilty that he’ll read this one day and somehow hate my seeming distaste for being home with him (and it doesn’t help that his separation anxiety has worsened, IMMENSELY over the last few days).

The sad truth is that I feel guilty for having a failed practice because that was the one thing I had planned everything in my entire towards so that I can be home with him in the afternoons to do homework and extra-murals when the time came; and that makes me feel like a total loser at the core of who I am!

I don’t want to feel guilty. I don’t want to feel depressed. I don’t want the heaviness that it brings. I don’t want my guilt to affect the time that I do get to spend with him.

When I’m with him, I make sure that I’m focused on him (for half and hour at least) and make sure everyday that he gets lots of hugs and kisses because I love him with all of me and not because I’m feeling guilty.

I plan his meals a week in advance to that he has home-cooked meals that are nutritious and made with love, even if they are epic fails, and yet he’ll still eat what I give him.

Samuel is such a good child and I honestly have nothing that I should be complaining about.

I love that he climbs into bed with us in the middle of the night and we snuggle close for me to secretly make up for the time I don’t spend with him in the day – and I make no apologies for it but a king-size bed would be better.

And I insist on and I’m pedantic about using natural remedies when he’s ill so that he’ll have as no harmful side-effects while recovering.

How can guilt not lead to depression? Yes motherhood is intense and I do not by any means have it all figured out by now but I want to leave the burden and heaviness that my guilt brings and focus on the smile I get when I open my eyes because he’s in my face; tickling that little body to hear him laugh; watching the pleasure on his face when I read his one-word-a-page books to him for the umpteenth time; holding him in my arms as he falls asleep at the end of his day; wanting me to comfort him and kiss his boo boo’s or watching him run into my arms when they’re open wide. It’s so important for me to stay in that happy place so that I don’t get robbed of the now-moments that happen right in front of me.

Time is one of the most precious and scarcest resources of the twenty-first century mom. We can’t be in a million places, doing a million things all at once. I may never get to all the practices or games, or tuck him in every night but I can promise to make a conscious effort to be present in the moments that we do get to share.

Samuel, know that I love you more than life itself and that no sacrifice would ever be too big for your dad and I to make for you and provide for your future. You may never always understand the decisions we make but know that they will always be for your greater good. Life is hard, things may not turn out the way we plan and we might not always get our way but your dad and I will always be there for you and we’ll always have your back, you can count on that – I promise. Know that there is nothing you can ever do to make us love you any less or think any different of you EVER!!!

“Chronic remorse, as all the moralists are agreed, is a most undesirable sentiment. If you have behaved badly, repent, make what amends you can and address yourself to the task of behaving better next time. On no account brood over your wrongdoing. Rolling in the muck is not the best way of getting clean.”  ― Aldous HuxleyBrave New World
%d bloggers like this: