Tag Archives: hope
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Hope still remains

18 Apr

So from THIS post you could tell I was having an off day – hell, even Stevie Wonder could see what a sad and sorry state I was in. In this little piece of cyber-space I get to share almost everything and bear my soul. Sometimes its not so nice (just ask my husband) but then there are moments where God in His utmost grace gently reminds me again and again to keep on going, His angels have never left my side.

 I have been having a really hard time at varsity adjusting to the increased work load, not only do I have a full time schedule but once a week I attend a part-time class at night too. Motherly duties don’t end (nor do wifely ones for that matter) but I would really love my helper to stay in to make it a little easier but that’s another story for another day. Back to my hectic life! This week while my boys were away I’ve got the chance to work in peace until really late and I’m halfway through catching up on the stuff I wanted to get done – ALL varsity work by the way, none of that while-the-cats-away-the-mouse-must-play story. This little mouse is working towards getting some cheddar, hahahaha. But because my life is so hectic, I feel anxious too often throughout the day, every day. Honestly, there is not a day that does not go by where I don’t think about how much work I have to get through or have not gotten to. I am very happy to admit that I have so far passed 3 of my 4 formal tests and the fail was really a fail but not one that I can’t recover from. I know I should be passing 4 out of 4 but YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW BAD, BAD REALLY IS. It’s to the point where NORMAL students, you know, the ones without a husband and family to take care of have dropped a subject or two just to ensure that they can pass the three they are carrying on with, so it’s not just poor old (in the nicest sense of the word) me having a little pity party.

 But let me get back to the main thing here. On Sunday, when I attended church, my pastor (and Jesus I love her because she says she such amazing stuff) @CarolGossman said that if you ever feel: confused, anxious, fearful, insecure and  a bunch of other stuff then there’s something wrong with your connection to God!!! I don’t know about you but that spoke straight to me like the heavens opened and God could not have said it more directly!!! God is about love and rest, peace and joy, He’s so full of goodness that there is nothing but goodness waiting for me.  Know this about me, I’m a daddy’s girl through and through so what I’m about to illustrate came naturally. Crawling into my physical father’s lap as a child was something I loved to do all the time. Back at church and in my seat, I pictured myself crawling into God’s lap, laying my head on his shoulder and feeling his arms around me and it started to disappear. The anxiety about passing, about finding gainful (in every sense of that word) employment and a place we can call home. I’m not saying it didn’t matter anymore because it still does (very much so) but what left was the heaviness that wanting those things so badly brought. In that peaceful and beautiful moment, my connection was restored. Not just to heaven’s resources but to the very heart of a good, loving and faithful Father who wants nothing more than to enjoy me.

 Towards the end of last year I got two very simple yet utterly earth-shattering prophecies for me. Hold your horses, I’m not going to the nations or anything glorious like that but these two prophecies have served as anchors for my soul. The first one was that God delighted in me. He not only loved me but He likes me. The sound of my name is resplendent and I am inviting to His senses. The second was that while I was looking for God out there somewhere, I had lost or forgotten that He is so near and so present; He’s always beside me and only a breath away. How soothing and remedying is that? How moving is it to know that I may never get an audience with the Presidents of the world but the God and Creator of the known universe is happy with me! He freakin’ likes silly, neurotic, stressed-Eric me! He totally digs me! Now why on earth wouldn’t THAT God not want to move the heavens to see me succeed in this life???? Like seriously! If I believe that He is just that good, then faith demands that I live like that.

 That was Sunday, when all this wonderful revelation came to me and it was only really today when I felt anxious again, that I made a conscious decision to not give into it. I am going to consciously rest in the TRUTH that I will be okay no matter what. My life is good because He is in it. And on top of that, a young friend of mine who doesn’t serve the Lord or attend as many lectures as I do and yet he is getting much better marks than I am. Praise God for that (and for youth) but my point is that he is still enjoying his life and not letting all the stress bog him down and I want some of that! I want to enjoy my life and not let it pass me by. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for hard work (I’ve got some mad workaholic tendencies) but there’s so much more to take joy and pleasure in.

 Dream boards  are something I think everyone should have put up in a room or put somewhere to remind ourselves never to stop dreaming. Follow me on Pinterest and you’ll see what I’m about. I would love to have one printed of my home actually. I want my crazy out-there dreams to be kept alive. Becoming a top Economist is still very much something I want to pursue and even know to say it out loud is daunting and almost embarrassing but I have to change the way I feel about my dreams – as clichéd as it sounds its bladdy true – if I don’t believe it, no one else will. There is always hope! The bible says that these remain: Faith, Hope and Love

 We may not be able to keep up with the Richens’ or the Ranas’ and that’s not how I view my friendships in any way but I still have so much to be grateful for – our home and all other good (non-material) things will come! I’m giving God the opportunity to blow my mind and I know He’s not going to disappoint.

I’m followed by Angels

29 Aug

I honestly have no choice but to write a response to “Sometimes I don’t know…” because the support has been so incredible but more than the “Angels that follow me” this is about the confirmation that God Himself has shown. He really is just that good that He blew my mind AGAIN like he did in “The Life Of This Student”….

To go back, last week or so I was having a particularly bad day (as we all do) and I decided to write about it. Understand that I am deliberate about what I say in this little space of mine, it’s a gentle warning and nothing to be worried about. I don’t think that it was more than two hours after the proverbial “ink” had dried on THAT post that I saw a poster for an event called the “Young Economists For Africa”  . They were hosting an event on THAT day on east campus and the speakers were two young, black women (one an actuarial analyst and the other a leading economist at the Competition Commission) at the top of their games. Now you might say oh okay, so what? The so what, is because I have full intentions of using the degree I’m currently completing to become one of South Africa’s top black female economists!!! Yes, there I said it!!! Now, I’m feeling awkward because I’ve never said that more than TWICE out aloud. To believe so boldly seemed kind of silly back then. The engagement was not earth-shattering (but I must say that those women knew their beans/business) but what it did was give me a bigger picture, to refocus, like God was lifting my eyes.

My church-home is “His People Joburg” in Parktown North and I love it to bits and pieces. It really is an amazing place. Pastor Carol and Andrew Gossman run the second morning service called AM2 and boy do they hear from God, which is amazeballs but we all can hear from God which is also amazeballs. During the services, there are “words of knowledge” shared like, someone has left ear pain or depression or what ever the “knowledge” is, members of the congregation are asked to raise their hands so that others directly around then pray for healing – I just love it. On this Sunday past, I think God definitely had it in for me. The word of knowledge was simply that everything was going to be okay. It was that quiet confidence I needed because that was the very thing that my heart was aching to know. As if that wasn’t enough, the guest speakers for the morning was a family that attended my church but were now residing in the USA. They shared their testimony of how they felt a prompting from God to take their business, as fund managers, to the States at a time when the recession was still in full force. They shared how their business had almost failed to the point of giving away the office equipment when one client offered them funds to manage. They are now at a point (almost two years later) where they are managing funds in excess of 80 million US dollars from being dead-broke in a foreign country with nothing but a word from God and faith the size of a mustard seed.

What brought me to an almost ugly cry (with much restraint) was when their daughters sang “There can be miracles” by Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey. “Many nights we prayed, with no proof anyone could hear. In our hearts a hopeful song, we barely understood. Now we are not afraid, although we know there’s much to fear. We were moving mountains long, before we knew we could. (skip to the bridge) They don’t always happen when you ask. And it’s easy to give in to your fear. But when you’re blinded by your pain, can’t see the way clear through the rain. A small but still resilient voice says hope is very near. There can be miracles, when you believe. Though hope is frail, it’s hard to kill. Who knows what miracles, you can achieve. You will when you – BELIEVE…”

 Deep down, I know that  I still have so much more to give and that my contribution will be significant. I can’t get away from that knowing and I won’t reject it either. On a Facebook friend’s page, this quote struck a deep chord, it read: Your spirit carries a memory of your future, that’s why you constantly get this feeling on the inside of you, telling you that you are meant to be more than what you are… it’s what you do with these promptings that matter!”

To those who responded, I’m humbled by your stories and words of encouragement – YOU too give me hope, my heart says thank you.

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