Tag Archives: life

Today, I graduate.

30 Mar

I am a bunch of mixed emotions and excitement is not one of them. You see, this is not the first time I’ve graduated because I have a previous degree and my first graduation ceremony felt like an anticlimax. I suppose the universities have to go through the formality of it for their students but 2 hours pale immensely when compared to the 3 years of sacrifice it took to get here. My husband of all people would have an inkling as to what has been required but even he really has no idea. Extra lessons during the week and on Sunday’s, missed parties, leaving family lunches early and emotions I feel where no words could ever suffice! Being a mature student has had its pros and cons but I won’t go into that now, what I will say however is how grateful I am to have completed this undergrad in the allotted time. Many of my fellow students have taken longer than I have with less than half the life commitments I’ve had to shoulder. 

I owe a huge thanks to my parents who have gone above and beyond for me, they are truly a God-send. No words are enough except to say a VERY BIG thank you and I love you both. My husband has been a soldier in the trenches of life with me and my biggest cheerleader – the yin to my yang andmy light when there where many dark days. Thank you my love.

While I feel like I am not where my life “should” be due to the fact that two major dreams are yet to be fulfilled, I have to remind myself that life happens in the here and now. No amount of comparison could make me happy, ever. I’m cognizant that today is the symbol of a small stepping stone for which I am to be grateful, it is this little milestone that has moved me that one step closer to my hopes and dreams becoming a reality. And I should definitely be proud of me – young, black, educated, full of potential and with a world of opportunities awaiting me. 

So to you reading this: never stop dreaming and never stop believing! Today is a manifestation of yesterday’s hopes, dreams and what you believe to be true.

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Monday’s Musings – Lessons From A Tree

11 Nov

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My word for April 2013 – Courage

3 Apr

At the end of the Process, is a Promise FULFILLED

1 Apr

There’s nothing that can relieve some pent-up frustration like a good cry, in the shower of course. You know the one’s where your face hurts so much from the contortion that your angst has caused.

I’ve felt anxious lately about this year at varsity, its my second year and by the grace of God, I passed all my first year subjects. My anxiety is about passing the two subjects I want to major in – finance and economics. These two subjects strike fear in the hearts of many, no lie. Those who will not even attempt that combination (who look at me like I’m crazy), those who are in my class and have been told the ghastly appalling pass rate and then there are those who have passed those subjects by the skin of their teeth & they say KNOW your work like the back of your hand and pray like your LIFE depends on it, honest to God. Now obviously I want to pass ALL four of my subjects and do the second semester and then go onto 3rd year next year, I have hopes and dreams that are waiting to find their way into my reality and I feel like I don’t have time to fail. But please don’t think that I’m being petty when I say that those two subjects are VERY hard because on top of that I have a third subject that I attend day classes for and a fourth subject that I have to attend an evening class for. I feel like I’m constantly trying to catch up… Listen, I work my behind off and I’m not afraid of hard work but there’s a part of me that knows that at the end of the day, apart from my human strength, I can only then rely on the grace of God to pull me through.

The niggle that gnaws at the back of my mind questions whether it’s in the will of God for me to pass 2nd year THIS year… Whether or not we’ll find a place to call home… Whether or not living on one salary is going to open up the “cracks on the surface” that is our lives…. and the hot tears stream down my face because these issues are my life!!!! If I could find work, two salaries would be better than one! If I could work, then we could look for a better place to stay! If I could find work, then the never-ending toil of varsity would end and I could spend a guilt-free evening with my family! But I CAN’T FIND WORK NOW! I CAN’T STOP THE PROCESS OR GET OFF THIS BANDWAGON BECAUSE I’VE TRIED THAT AND I FAILED – and I don’t want to have to deal with failing again because the heartache is too much.

Sometimes I feel like I’m standing on the precipice, not sure if I want to look over the edge because I’m so afraid. Then I feel like I should just open my arms, close my eyes and fall…. fall straight into the loving arms of my Heavenly Father, who is nothing but good, all the time. While the hot water ran over me, my body was wracked with silent sobs. This is hard. My life is hard, right now. I do not in any way expect sympathy because I chose to study again and I don’t regret that for a minute. All I want is the guarantee that I WILL pass… and yet I know that that guarantee is not mine, but the thoughts that run through my mind are: “many things about tomorrow, I don’t seem to understand, but I know who holds tomorrow and I know who holds my hand”; “I will never leave you, nor will I forsake you (Deut 31:8);  and His plans for me have an intended end that is good (Jer 29:11).

All I could do in that moment was surrender and say through my sobs: “Lord you are good!” My mind would flash all the things that are not accomplished and each time I’d say: “Lord you are good!” knowing full well that those things may never happen, things could turn out so differently but that different didn’t necessarily mean bad.

Two things have touched me today. One is a quote from Beth Moore, “At the end of the process is a promise fulfilled” and a verse from Psalms 27:13 “I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living”. I think that’s where the “peace that passes all understanding” comes from, that place of surrender, where the only constant is Christ Himself in us, “the hope of glory”.

My guarantee is not necessarily that I will pass but that in the end, God will make it okay so that I can say, it is well with my soul. Hold onto Him and the promises he’s specifically spoken to you.

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Sometimes I don’t know….

23 Aug

Today is one of those days when I just don’t know! I feel like I lost my compass somewhere along the way and don’t know where to find it. I don’t know if I’m going to pass all my exams at the end of the year. I don’t know what I’m going to do while on holiday for 3 months without any work or form of pay. I don’t know how long I’m going last being a full-time student, a wife and mother for the next three years. I don’t know that I’m coping.

While I sit and type, tears are running down my face because I feel so overwhelmed. People who don’t have degrees have a job that I couldn’t get and now I’m  doing a second one with really no guarantee that I’ll get one after all this.

I miss coming home and not having work to do at all, now I’m so busy during the week and on weekends, minus the extra lessons I attend on weekends. I miss the luxury of watching a movie without the guilt of not working. I miss getting my hair and nails (more so my feet) done like I used to when I could afford it. I miss walking into the shops to pay my account and walking out with something special for me because I could afford it. I hate that I have had to endure more than a week of such excruciating neck pain, the kind that would wake me from my sleep and all I could do was pop pills when all I wanted to do was see a chiropractor but didn’t have enough money.

I’m so tired of trying to think positive thoughts. I’m tired of trying to put one foot in front of the other not knowing where I’m going. I’m tired of being tired about the state of my life and yet some part of  me remains grateful for the opportunity I have to study full-time to try improve my life. I’m grateful that I have a roof over my head that’s not falling apart, a warm bed to sleep in and food to eat. I’m grateful for friends in the same boat (Maree and Sifiso) at varsity who share in the pain and despair that life has inflicted upon us. I’m grateful for my little family and that my child is mine.

While I am having a really, really, really off day and I suspect that there will be plenty more of these to come, I would love the reassurance that it will all work out and be okay in the end. While we are not guaranteed it,the thought that I’m left with is this:  “Many things about tomorrow I don’t seem to understand; but I know who holds tomorrow and I know who holds my hand” ~ Alison Krauss

 

 

 

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