I can’t begin to tell you how much I love you

Baby boy, you don’t know how much I love you…

I love you from the depths of my soul. I loved you before you were conceived. I am fascinated by you and love watching you grow and develop into a little drama king  which only seems to happen when grandpa’s around – you father says you get that from my side of the family but I beg to differ. You surprise me sometimes with little kisses and I can’t wait for the day when you tell me that you love me – between you and me, I know without a doubt you do!

When I look at you, I can’t begin to imagine how someone would want to intentionally hurt little people like you! How adults would even consider abusing or harming you! It makes me pray that any prying eyes look past you, that you become invisible in their sights because I couldn’t bear the thought of you somewhere foreign and being abused.

My love for you is so fierce that I wouldn’t give a second thought to give my life for you! Your life is that important to me. I always knew that one day I would be someone’s mother and I’m so blessed that I get to be your mom.

As you grow, you will definitely disagree with decisions your dad and I will make regarding your welfare and I accept that but one thing that I cannot stress ever enough, is that you don’t just understand with you head, but that you KNOW in your heart – everything, but everything that I will ever do in my life and yours will be because I love you to death and that I will always want the best for you!!! As a child, you don’t see things the way they always seem but when you’re an adult and more so a parent, you will certainly understand where I’m coming from (very wise words from you granny). There will never be a sacrifice that I have made or will ever make that will be too great for you – you, my dear child, are worth every ounce of blood, sweat and tear I will ever shed. I’m back at varsity at 30 because I want a better life for you and your dad, thoughts of you spur me on when sometimes it gets too overwhelming.

One of your aunts said that as a mother, you can’t begin to imagine your life with children before you have them; and then you can’t imagine your life without them once they are here. You will understand the depths of that statement in time – I never want my life to be without your little charming self in it.

You are such a good child, you give me nothing to complain about. To my one and only son, you are the apple of my eye, the beat of my heart and a big reason for why I live…. I will love you until the day I stop breathing and beyond….

Love you always and forever, mom, xxx

 

 

 

The Heavy Burden of a Mother’s Guilt

“Maybe there’s more we all could have done, but we just have to let the guilt remind us to do better next time.”  ― Veronica Roth, Divergent

Why is it that a mother feels so pressured, compelled, obligated and stressed to be everything to our kids, partners and bosses; lose our minds, hearts and sometimes for the most part we lose sight of who we are in the bigger scheme of things??? It’s not okay but neither is it easy.

I feel guilty when I wake up in the morning and my husband has left without me making his lunch (I used to when we were a childless married couple but can’t/don’t because I’m so tired)
I feel guilty when my son wakes up next to me and after a few cuddles I reach over to my phone and check out the range of social media networking (bbm’s, whatsapp, FB & tweets) I need to catch up on or reply.
I feel bad that when I go downstairs to greet my helper that she’s the one who feeds, cleans, dresses and entertains my son (most of the time).
I feel guilty that I don’t stay at home with my son because I’m selfish, suffer from cabin-fever and need a break from the hum-drum of where my life is at right now.
I feel guilty because I’ve spent the first year of Sam’s life with him everyday and yet I don’t want to be a stay-at-home mom.
I feel guilty because I’m typing this from M&B when I should be home with my baby boy.
I feel guilty that I don’t physically discipline him when I should because I’ve said no for the 20th time in 2 hours.
I feel guilty that I’ve given him medication to make him drowsy just so that I could sleep for more than a 4 hour stretch.
I feel guilty that he’ll read this one day and somehow hate my seeming distaste for being home with him (and it doesn’t help that his separation anxiety has worsened, IMMENSELY over the last few days).

The sad truth is that I feel guilty for having a failed practice because that was the one thing I had planned everything in my entire towards so that I can be home with him in the afternoons to do homework and extra-murals when the time came; and that makes me feel like a total loser at the core of who I am!

I don’t want to feel guilty. I don’t want to feel depressed. I don’t want the heaviness that it brings. I don’t want my guilt to affect the time that I do get to spend with him.

When I’m with him, I make sure that I’m focused on him (for half and hour at least) and make sure everyday that he gets lots of hugs and kisses because I love him with all of me and not because I’m feeling guilty.

I plan his meals a week in advance to that he has home-cooked meals that are nutritious and made with love, even if they are epic fails, and yet he’ll still eat what I give him.

Samuel is such a good child and I honestly have nothing that I should be complaining about.

I love that he climbs into bed with us in the middle of the night and we snuggle close for me to secretly make up for the time I don’t spend with him in the day – and I make no apologies for it but a king-size bed would be better.

And I insist on and I’m pedantic about using natural remedies when he’s ill so that he’ll have as no harmful side-effects while recovering.

How can guilt not lead to depression? Yes motherhood is intense and I do not by any means have it all figured out by now but I want to leave the burden and heaviness that my guilt brings and focus on the smile I get when I open my eyes because he’s in my face; tickling that little body to hear him laugh; watching the pleasure on his face when I read his one-word-a-page books to him for the umpteenth time; holding him in my arms as he falls asleep at the end of his day; wanting me to comfort him and kiss his boo boo’s or watching him run into my arms when they’re open wide. It’s so important for me to stay in that happy place so that I don’t get robbed of the now-moments that happen right in front of me.

Time is one of the most precious and scarcest resources of the twenty-first century mom. We can’t be in a million places, doing a million things all at once. I may never get to all the practices or games, or tuck him in every night but I can promise to make a conscious effort to be present in the moments that we do get to share.

Samuel, know that I love you more than life itself and that no sacrifice would ever be too big for your dad and I to make for you and provide for your future. You may never always understand the decisions we make but know that they will always be for your greater good. Life is hard, things may not turn out the way we plan and we might not always get our way but your dad and I will always be there for you and we’ll always have your back, you can count on that – I promise. Know that there is nothing you can ever do to make us love you any less or think any different of you EVER!!!

“Chronic remorse, as all the moralists are agreed, is a most undesirable sentiment. If you have behaved badly, repent, make what amends you can and address yourself to the task of behaving better next time. On no account brood over your wrongdoing. Rolling in the muck is not the best way of getting clean.”  ― Aldous Huxley, Brave New World