Breastesess….

So this is where I take the liberty of getting a little personal in MY blog and talk about something that’s been bugging me for ages. Sure some dude is going to read this post and not look at me the same but I really don’t care too much about that right now, so here’s it, I’m just going to put it out into cyberspace and take it as it comes.  Breastesess. It is an actual word on urban dictionary, true story! There’s a test (not sure what it’s called) to determine if your boobs are too big (it’s lame, I know but bear with me): if you put a pencil under your breast and it falls then you’re good but what does it mean if you can hide Waltons’ under there??? Seeing that I’m starting varsity soon, maybe that’s one way of getting the stationary I need.

The female breast has many uses and functions: nourishment for off-spring, organs of pleasure, symbols femininity and an object of art and culture since time began, kinda takes multi-tasking to a whole other level wouldn’t you say?

Despite the advances in plastic surgery these days, I for one don’t think there is anything spectacular, great or good-looking about natural big breasts, and by that I refer to sizes E-G, yes and even H! Unless they are filled with silicon, and mounds of it, nobody likes that! They are extra flaps of skin and tissue just like other areas on our body, our arms, tummy and legs that plastic surgery can sort out, constrain, or just plain get rid of. The best breast size, in my opinion is a C, for cute or curvy. D is for Dumb-bells because they get heavy at this point on the scale. DD is for Double Dose of Behemoth. E is for Excessive or Elephantine! F is for Fiercely Oversized. G – Gargantuan. And as for H – Heavy Duty or Heavy-weight! Just think about it, who wants to hold more than one hand-full at a time???

I love me some retail therapy any day! Shops like Le Senza and Temptations will only be visited if I’m buying for a girlfriend, otherwise I steer clear. The biggest size they stocked was a C, you were lucky if you could find a D. Are they trying to say that if I have big boobs then I can’t wear anything racy or sexy in a one-piece??? Then they got a little smart and brought in E cups sizes, the bras were padded to the max, for who? Like big boobs need more volume (they’ve got more than enough, thanks) or was that a way to give them the rounder shape? How about better straps for support dufus. Edgars has a little Diva range and at least they cater for bigger cup sizes in printed, pink-bowed, glittered underwear with matching G-STRINGS!!! There’s one worse than the fitted sheets that they make to restrain and hold all the girls, talk about the useless, big-ass granny panties that come with them as well, makes me want to vomit! I don’t necessarily want my tummy flattened at the same time. Full briefs, I mean gees Louise, those can wait until I’m at LEAST 70. Having a little piece of lace on either side does not equate to sexy! Hello! Who came up with the ridiculous notion that all women with bigger breasts have bigger bums???? Designers have cottoned on (no pun intended) as well, the bras are good-looking, big sizes and awesome support but make no mistake, I would die before I paid R700 for a bra! Firstly, I don’t have that kind of money and secondly, if I did and bought ten of those bras, I’d probably have a quarter of the money I needed to pay for a boob job! I want to get a boob job, and if I haven’t brought my point across enough, I.want.to.get.a.boob.job. Some women are really fortunate to have the money to get their underwear and swimming costumes custom-made, what a blessing. I don’t have exec money at the moment for hand-made-custom-fit-designer goods; it’s a sad state of affairs!

My next problem is clothes! And by that I mean getting the right size to fit my lovely hour-glass curves. My heart breaks when I think about this. I have to buy two dress sizes up to compensate for the sisters, and then the dress will hang on the rest of me. Sometimes I want to be cute and wear a dress, a cute floral summery number with ruffles up the front! But no, no boob-tube, one-shoulder or spaghetti straps for me! I have to go for what’s big, bold and well, supportive I guess. I really like the off the shoulder style but there are no strapless bras in bigger sizes!!!! By big I mean DD (which isn’t really that big anyway) have some much padding as well – what is up with that???

But on a more serious note, they get in the way, all.the.time. Going to sleep on my stomach is akin to a walrus moving on the beach or The Worm (old break dance move for those that can remember it). I start at the bottom of the bed, face down and do the walrus/worm-dance until I reach my pillow. If I don’t do this and just flop straight down, I run the risk of death by chest compression or death by suffocation if they land up at my throat – you laugh, but it’s a scary thing!

I am all for breast-feeding, breast is best but I’m sure if Sam could talk he’d say it was, except for the times where he thought I was going to suffocate him because my boob would cover his nose while in his mouth. There were plenty of times where I would fall asleep while feeding him in bed and I’d wake to a little baby gasping for air – ooops!

Most times, these girls can attract the wrong kind of attention. Many people regard the female human body, of which breasts are an important aspect, to be aesthetically pleasing, as well as erotic. Research conducted at the Victoria University of Wellington showed that breasts are often the first thing men look at, and for a longer time than other body parts. The writers of the study had initially speculated that the reason for this is due to endocrinology with larger breasts indicating higher levels of estrogen and a sign of greater fertility,but the researchers said that “Men may be looking more often at the breasts because they are simply aesthetically pleasing, regardless of the size. “Phrases like: “nice lungs” or “great rack” are really demeaning. It’s really pathetic when a guy greets you but you know he’s not looking into your eyes, very shady. Back in varsity (the first time around), I had a lecturer that we just creepy. On this particular day, the top that I wore was two-tone and the top (darker) part looked was in the shape of a bib. The subject was Radiology (how to read x-rays) so we’re all looking forward at the display and answering his questions and then he looked at me, like really looked at me (he must have had x-rays eyes or wished he did) and had the audacity to ask what’s on my top? Dumbfounded, it took a while to compose myself and I shot back: “what are you looking there for anyway?” My class hosed themselves and then applauded me for putting him in his place.

If you look at the gene pool that is to blame in my case, you will see that my father’s sisters and his mother all suffer the same fate! One of my aunts has serious back pain from carrying around the udders. A thought that I have had every day for the last year or so is getting them cut – I swear I could lose 10 kgs in one fell swoop,  5 kgs a piece and then I’d be halfway to my goal weight just like that! I want to get a boob job, and if I haven’t brought my point across enough, I.want.to.get.a.boob.job. There, I said it.

Thanks for putting up with and reading my random thoughts, complaints and mutterings on part of the female form….

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